Reminder to self: how can you possibly be this calm? Another one that might take a few pages to get to the actual question and/or doesn't really answer it. ~THE LION CZAR~ or WHY CANJO DOES NOT WRITE MOVIES Written & Directed & Acted by CANJO RAREBEAR Int. PRIDE ROCK Sun rises... BABOON THING *incomprehensible gobbledygook* ANIMALS o/` It's the ciiiiiircle of capitalism! and it ruuuuules us all! Bla blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah! o/` MUFASEVSKI ( a LION ) My son... BABOON THING *raises SIMBAVSKI, MUFASEVSKI's SON to the SUN on PRIDE ROCK* *more ridiculous singing from the animals* Int. SCARPUTIN's CAVE SCARPUTIN ( MUFASEVSKI's BROTHER) This is ridiculous! I was going to be the Czar, then this brat Simbavski comes along! It's Not fair! Not fair I say! MUFASEVSKI Why weren't you at my son's... er...pagan ritual? SCARPUTIN Because I'm a jealous fool! MUFASEVSKI I'm going to kill you for not attending the pagan ceremony of my son! How cruel and unfair and unjust of you! *SCARPUTIN and MUFASEVSKI fight* Int. SAVANNAH MUFASEVSKI See all this land, son? That's all going to be yours! SIMBAVSKI (MUFASEVSKI's SON) But father, don't you think that the PEOPLE should rule the land and not be oppressed by-- MUFASEVSKI No! This is MINE! You must not let such thoughts enter your head. SIMBAVSKI Ok. By the way, what is that red place over there with lots of flags? MUFASEVSKI No! You must NEVER, NEVER go there! It is a dangerous place!!! SIMBAVSKI Ok. Int. SCARPUTIN's CAVE SIMBAVSKI Uncle Scarputin, what is that place out there with lots of red and yellow flags? SCARPUTIN Oh! It is such a dangerous place. Everyone knows that it is a a dangerous WORKERS' GRAVEYARD... Oops! You didn't hear that. SIMBAVSKI COOL! A Workers' Graveyard! I'm going to explore it!!! Int. SAVANNAH SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND Simbavski! What is this cool place you told me about? SIMBAVSKI Um...the watering hole! Yes! STUPID DODO Yes! It is safe there. MUFASEVSKI send me to watch over you two! I'm not going to let you go anywhere but there! SIMBAVSKI :( SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND I have an idea! Let's lose the Dodo in an incomprehensible and confusing original song! SIMBAVSKI Ok! *SIMBAVSKI and SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND lose the DODO in a confusing and incomprehensible ORIGINAL SONG* SIMBAVSKI Alright, now we can go to the WORKERS' GRAVEYARD! SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND Yay!!! Int. WORKERS' GRAVEYARD OPPRESSED LABORER Look, it's the Czar's son! Since he always oppresses us, let's kill him!!! Ok? OTHER OPRESSED LABORERS Ok. SIMBAVSKI I hope we don't get attacked in such a cool and frightening place! SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *OPPRESSED WORKERS attack* SIMBAVSKI (frightened) Oh no, they've cor- nered us! I will scare them off with a roar! *pathetic semi-raor* OPPRESSED WORKER Ha! That was pathetic. You will be roaring louder soon...in MY DIGESTIVE TRACT!!! AHAHAHHAHA!!! *loud, frightening roar* OPPRESSED WORKERS Oh nO! It is Mufasevski! WE MUST HIDE!!! *they hide* MUFASEVSKI I finally found you two! SIMBAVSKI, come with me, you...other girl, you can go home. Int. SAVANNAH SIMBAVSKI Are you going to punish me? MUFASEVSKI No, I enjoy it when my son disobeys my direct order and almost gets himself killed. SIMBAVSKI Ok. By the way, what are the stars? MUFASEVSKI Past kings or something. I don't care. It's time for punishment. Int. WORKERS' GRAVEYARD SCARPUTIN I can't believe you didn't kill SIMBAVSKI! OPPRESSED WORKERS But MUFASEVSKI is frightening! SCARPUTIN Oh. Well. Ok then. I have another idea. I'll kill MUFASEVSKI does that sound ok? OPPRESSED WORKERS Yes!!! Int. SCAR's CAVE SCARPUTIN Oh SIMBAVSKI! I have a present for you! Follow me. *leads SIMBAVSKI to RAVINE* SCARPUTIN Now just wait here for it! I promise that a hoard of wild creatures will not stampede through this route and kill you and your father when he comes to save you. Ok? SIMBAVSKI Ok. *Suddenly, wild creatures stampede!* SIMBAVSKI Oh no! I'd better get out of the way. *gets out of the way* SCARPUTIN [B]...How can you possibly be so calm?[/B] SIMBAVSKI I dunno. MUFASEVSKI Look at my poor son! He is so frightened! All he needs to do is remain calm. I will walk to him through the stampede to tell him this. SIMBAVSKI Hi dad! It's a lovely stampede today. Wanna watch? MUFASEVSKI No! Just remain calm, Simbavski! SIMBAVSKI I'm not even in their path. MUFASEVSKI Oh. Well, I just noticed, I AM! *jumps onto a cliff to be out of the path* SCARPUTIN MUFASEVSKI! Good to see yoU! I shall push you off! *does so* MUFASEVSKI NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*dies* SIMBASVKI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCARPUTIN Don't you hate it when that happens? Bythe way, Simbavski, this entire incident, even though it was obviously perpetrated by me, is your fault. Go run away and never come back!!! SIMBAVSKI Ok. *runs away* Int. DESERT COMRADE TIMONE Look, Comrade! It is a lion cub. Let us murder that opressor! COMRADE PUUMBA No, he's cute. Let's raise him and teach him to be nice and to eat only bugs. COMRADE TIMONE Ok. SIMBASVKI Who are you guys? What do you want? COMRADE TIMONE Nothing! Just remember, [I]communism[/I]! SIMBAVSKI ...what? COMRADE PUUMBA It means "no worries"! come on, sing along with us! o/` COMRADE TIMONE communism! What a wonderful phrase! COMRADE PUUMBA Communism! Ain't no passing phase... COMRADE TIMONE It means no worries, for the rest of your days! COMRADES TIMONE & PUUMBA It's a problem free! Philosophy! COmmunism! o/` *seven years pass...* COMRADE SIMBA It means no worries! For the rest of your days! COMRADE TIMONE Good job, you're learning to live like us. And it only took seven straight years singing the song! And thanks for dropping that silly "vski" at the end of your name. It annoyed me. COMRADE SIMBA Hooray! Int. RUINED SAVANNAH SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND Whereever did SIMBAVSKI go? We Need him to overthrow Scarputin! He has ruined the land. OTHER FEMALE LIONS WE AGREE. WE HAVE NO INDIVIDUALITY WE RELY ON A MALE TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT WE COULD EASILY DO OURSELVES, BECAUSE WE ARE NOTHING BUT ANTI- FEMINIST MOVIE REJECTS. ALSO, WE ONLY HAD CUBS ON ONE MALE, SINCE THERE IS ONLY ONE IN THE "PRIDE;" THEREFORE, EVERYONE IN THIS PRIDE IS RELATED. SO SIMBAVSKI AND HIS LADY FRIEND ARE SIBLINGS. NOW THAT IS JUST SICK. UNLESS SIMBA'S LADY- FRIEND IS THAT JO-LEE ACTRESS WOMAN. WE LIKE WHEELS. SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND I will go find SIMBAVSKI! OTHER FEMALE LIONS OK. Int. JUNGLE COMRADE SIMBA So COMRADE TIMONE, what do you think the stars are? COMRADE TIMONE They are mere balls of hydrogen and helium undergoing nuclear fusion. COMRADE SIMBA My dad told me they were past Czars. COMRADE TIMONE That is nothing but a lie invented by those who would opress us. After all, religion is opiate to the people, as Marx said. COMRADE SIMBA Ok. SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND RAR! COMRADE PUUMBA Oh no! A lion!!!!!!!! SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND RAR!!! COMRADE SIMBA Wait, she looks..familiar. Are you...my old LADY-FRIEND? SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND ...? COMRADE SIMBA Apparently you do not recognize me since I am wearing a complete military uniform and a ridiculous hat covered with red hammer-and- sickles. I used to be SIMBAVSKI, But now I'm a COMRADE and I dropped the vski because it was stupid. SIMBAVSKI's LADY-FRIEND Oh. So you're COMRADE SIMBA now. Can I get a real name, please, since it's ridiculous to constantly type out "COMRADE SIMBA's LADY- FRIEND"? COMRADE SIMBA I don't remember what your name was in the LION KING, so I'll make up some thing. How about...mm...MS. MOP? MS. MOP You suck at naming, writer. CANJO Sorry. MS. MOP Anyway, COMRADE SIMBA, the pride-lands are overrun by Scarputin's hoards of angry workers! He made them think he's help, but he didn't. Also, he has had three female cubs and a male one who is a hemophiliac named Alexi. COMRADE SIMBA Sounds familiar for some reason. MS. MOP Whatever. Let's overthrow him. COMRADE SIMBA No! I will not use a monarchy. That is against communism. MS. MOP ...? COMRADE SIMBA *sings the communism song* MS. MOP Ok! I'm going to be COMRADE MOP now because it's trouble some to type out "MS." for some reason, and the writer has an unhealthy amount of experience in typing "comrade" for some reason. COMRADE SIMBA Ok. But first I need emotional support from my father. Int. WATERING-HOLE at NIGHT-TIME COMRADE SIMBA Father...? MUFASEVSKI (appears in pool) Simbavski! COMRADE SIMBA I DISAVOW YOUR OPRESSION!!!! THIS IS NOT REAL!!! THIS IS A RELIGIOUS MOMENT!!! RELIGION IS A LIE!!! IT IS OPIATE TO THE PEOPLE SO THEY DO NOT REA- MUFASEVSKI ...? COMRADE SIMBA Go away. MUFASEVSKI Ok. Int. RUINED SAVANNAH COMRADE SIMBA Wow! It is desolate here. COMRADE MOP I agree. Let us cause a workers' uprising. COMRADE SIMBA WORKERS! Arise with me! WORKERS Yes! Scarputin is evil, as are his three daughters and hemophiliac son! COMRADE SIMBA We shall overthrow him! WORKERS HOORAY!!! Int. RUINED PRIDE ROCK SCARPUTIN Oh! Hello Simbavski. COMRADE SIMBA I'm COMRADE SIMBA now! You monster! You opress these workers, and you killed my father! Admit it! SCARPUTIN Yes, I did. But that's ok, right? Circle of capitalism and whatnot. Survival of the fittest. COMRADE SIMBA THE WORKERS HATE YOU!!! SCARPUTIN No s***, Sherlock. COMRADE SIMBA WORKERS UNITE!!!!!!!! *the WORKERS UNITE* COMRADE SIMBA Ok...now...well. Do something! It's no good if you unite and don't do anything. *the WORKERS EAT SANDWICHES* COMRADE SIMBA No! Kill SCARPUTIN! COMRADE MOP No! I have a better idea.... Int. SMALL CLOSET ROOM COMRADE MOP Alright, SCARPUTIN and FAMILY, we're going to...take your picture! HEMOPHILIAC CUB YAY! THREE DAUGHTERS HOORAY! SCARPUTIN This seems oddly familiar. *men with guns SHOOT SCARPUTIN & FAMILY* COMRADE SIMBA Alright, workers! You did it! We are now the United Socialist Pride-land Republics! The USPLR will arise victorious to SMASH all who come against us! And, foremost, you won't have to sing that ridiculous Circle of Capitalism song any more! And I'm executing that BABOON-THING. WORKERS Hooray! Fin